give me a minute (i don't know what i'd say in it)
by softiesharpie
Summary: After the events of 5x01, Sara and Ava have some time alone to talk about what happened.


Ava sighed as she laid down on their bed and stared up at the ceiling.

Today had been an eventful day, starting with a documentary team coming to the ship, then them figuring out that their "encores" - as Mona coined them - couldn't be killed using normal methods, and John ingesting Rasputin at the end.

Yeah, Ava tried not to think about that last one.

Most of those things were normal Legends things, but Ava couldn't stop thinking about what Sara'd said to her.

At the time, she didn't think Sara would want to talk about Oliver and what happened in the crisis, so she foolishly told the team not to talk about it with Sara. Ava realized that was a mistake.

She just wanted to fit in so badly with the Legends. She wanted them to like her and the realization made her feel almost embarrassed.

It wasn't like her to care so much about what others thought of her. But after the Time Bureau went down, Ava was stuck feeling lost, constantly. And despite her and Sara already talking about it during their actual fight earlier, Ava still felt guilty.

"Babes?" Sara's voice brought Ava out of her thoughts.

She tilted her head to look at Sara. "Yeah, love?" She asked, voice sounding weaker than she would've liked.

She knew Sara had gone through a lot in the past weeks and didn't want to burden her with her problems.

Sara frowned at the slight tremble in Ava's voice. "Everything okay?" She asked, putting on her pajama shirt before hopping into bed next to her.

Sara was glad the day with over and that the documentary team would never come back. The idea of being famous never appealed to her and she didn't like the idea of strangers being in her personal space, especially not all day like they were.

Ava sighed and sat up slightly, leaning on her forearm as she looked at Sara. "It's..." nothing, she almost said. The last thing Sara needed was to have to deal with Ava's issues.

"It doesn't matter." Ava settled on, reaching out with her free hand to take Sara's. She brought it up to her lips to kiss it before gently running her thumb over her knuckles. "How are you feeling?" She asked.

Sara pursed her lips, searching Ava's eyes for a moment. "Tired, but okay. I'm just glad the camera crew's gone." She didn't miss the way Ava tensed at her words.

"What's wrong, Aves?" Sara asked, squeezing Ava's hand. "You know you can talk to me." She added softly.

Ava sighed and nodded. "I know, it's just..." she looked down at their hands. She'd never been good at talking about her feelings.

Sara stayed quiet, being patient. She knew Ava would talk when she was ready.

How well Sara knew her never failed to amaze Ava. Ava'd always seen herself as unreadable, someone who was hard to figure out. But Sara had always been able to see past that, even before they got together.

"I don't... everything you told me about what happened in the crisis still confuses me a bit, but it sounds awful. I know you went through hell, Sara. The last thing you need is to hear about my stupid insecurities." Ava said and frowned.

"Ava," Sara breathed, noticing that look. It was the same look Ava had when she woke up from nightmares about 2213. Luckily, said nightmares rarely happened now.

"Baby, look at me." She softly whispered, waiting until she was looking into those pair of blue eyes she loved so much.

"You- you aren't wrong that I went through hell. I did, and it sucked. It still hurts and it probably always will." She sucked in a breath, chest aching with the distinct tightness that it got when she was about to cry.

Everything still hurt, despite being able to open up to her team today. She knew that pain would be there for awhile.

Ava squeezed her hand, prompting Sara to continue.

"But... I still want you to open up to me. Just because I'm going through things doesn't mean I can't be there for you, Aves." Sara gave her a soft smile. "Please, baby? Tell me what's going on in that beautiful head of yours."

Ava stayed quiet for a moment before tears filled her eyes. "I- I feel like I failed you today." She whispered and sniffed, allowing herself to feel the things she'd tried to hold back all day.

"I didn't know that you'd gone through something like that... I just thought it was like a normal mission, which is dumb because I knew about what happened to Oliver, so I didn't think you'd mind that I brought the crew on the ship. I didn't know you saw Earths die, which sounds awful when I think about it now." Ava looked away as words came out of her mouth without much thought.

When she rambled like this, it was hard to stop herself from spilling everything.

"And I know inviting the documentary team to the ship was a rash decision, but I was so scared that the Senator would shut down the Waverider. I just lost the bureau... I couldn't lose the ship too. And I know that's selfish to think, but I was scared. He kept saying how the Legends weren't qualified to have the ship and was saying all of these awful things about you guys... so I wanted to change his mind. I made an impulsive decision. I was reckless and rash and I was thinking like- like-"

"A Legend?" Sara filled in with a small chuckle.

"What?" Ava asked, eyes red and tearful.

"You were thinking like a Legend," Sara simply said, "you made impulsive decisions without thinking it over first. You were spontaneous and reckless, which is basically what being a Legend is all about."

"I- I know. And I shouldn't've." Ava sniffed.

Sara smiled. "On the contrary, baby. I think it's a great thing."

Ava frowned in confusion. "W- what?"

"Ava Sharpe thinking like a Legend? That's the best thing ever, I think." Sara saw Ava getting ready to interrupt her so she continued, "yeah, you made a mistake. But you didn't know all of what I'd gone through and you were just looking out for us. What's not to like about that?"

Ava frowned more. "B- but Sara, I told the team not to talk about Oliver. I'm the reason you didn't get to open up to them sooner. I failed you. I should've known that you'd want to talk about it." She said, letting go of Sara's hand so she could wipe away a stray tear from her cheek.

She sniffed. "I'm your g- girlfriend. I should've known how to make you feel better. But I didn't."

Sara nodded. "Yeah, you didn't. And I don't like that you told the team not to bring up Ollie." She said truthfully.

"I know, I'm sor-" Ava started to apologize when Sara cut her off.

"I know you're sorry. Mistakes happen, no ones perfect." Sara shrugged as best as she could while lying down. "But you apologized and I forgive you, so it's fine now." She added.

Sara was expecting for Ava to be happy with that, for the former director to be satisfied with her answer and be content to go to sleep. What Sara wasn't expecting was for Ava to look more lost than she'd seen her in awhile.

"What's up?" Sara asked knowingly. "There's something else, I can tell."

Ava sighed, "sometimes I wish you didn't know me so well." She said in a slightly joking tone.

"No you don't." Sara teased, smiling.

Ava sighed, "no... I don't." She conceded.

"It's about... the bureau. I can't stop thinking about it. I love being a Legend, I really do. It's just a weird adjustment for me... and I just- I don't..." Ava trailed off, frowning as more tears started falling down her cheeks.

"I don't know who I am right now." She admitted, her voice almost too quiet for Sara to understand her. "I don't know who I am without the bureau... it's all I've ever known. It's what I was programmed to do. I was made to work at the bureau... and now it's g- gone."

Sara nodded encouragingly.

"And it's j- just so hard because... because I thought I was done being upset about my origins. I mean... it's still unsettling, but it doesn't upset me as much as it used to. At least, I thought it didn't." Ava sighed. "I'm just s- so tired of feeling like this. I hate feeling lost a- and confused about who I am."

"You are Ava Sharpe, cat person, decent chef, great cuddler, and one of the smartest people I've ever met," Sara smiled. "You're still those things and so much more. You are extraordinary." She said, her voice filled with sureness as she looked at Ava with so much love in her eyes.

Ava let out a soft sob. "I- I hate that I still get upset over being a clone. I don't want it to affect me anymore, but it does. And I hate that." She tried to say more, but the more she thought about it, the more it upset her and she lost what she was going to say, her words crumbling into soft sobs.

Sara was quick to put her arms around Ava to pull her close, offering her comfort in the best way she knew how.

"It's okay to still be upset over it, Aves. There's no time frame for healing, you told me that remember?"

Ava nodded and sniffed. She remembered a little over a year ago when Sara woke up from a nightmare about her time in the League. She recalled the captain being almost angry with herself for letting her past still upset her.

"Yeah, I do." Ava said, head resting on Sara's chest as she let herself be held.

"I'm just... not good with emotions. You know that, a- and that's why I failed you today. Because I'm not good with emotions and I didn't know you were upset. I fucked up, I should've known..." Ava was spiraling, like she most often did when she was upset and overthinking things.

Sara stopped her before she could make herself more anxious. "You couldn't have known. Ava, please believe me when I say that. Your memories of the previous timeline were wiped, there's no way you could've known everything I went through."

Ava nodded. She wanted to believe what Sara was saying, and she did, for the most part. She just couldn't think clearly when she was anxious. She could still feel how callous her hands were from how hard she scrubbed down the galley when she was stress cleaning earlier.

"Sorry, I just- you know how I get sometimes." Ava sniffed. Sara'd seen her spiral like this a handful of times so she knew what to do to help her calm down.

"I know, and it's okay." Sara smiled and kissed Ava's temple. "I love you and I know you just made a mistake today. You didn't mean to hurt me, I know that." She whispered and held Ava closer.

Ava smiled softly at the kiss and relaxed more in Sara's hold. "I love you too. And I really am sorry for today." She couldn't help but apologize again.

Sara playfully rolled her eyes. "Stop apologizing, baby, please." She gave Ava a little squeeze. "It's okay, we're okay."

"We're okay." Ava repeated and sighed contently. "We'll figure it out together, right?" She asked.

Sara didn't have to ask, figure out what? She knew what Ava meant. Would they be able to get through Ava's existential crisis and Sara's grieving from what'd happened to Oliver.

It would be hard, Sara knew that. The pain from losing Oliver and seeing so many Earths die was still fresh and she knew it would take some time for Ava to get through her clone crisis.

It would take both of them awhile to process and get through their issues and it wouldn't be easy. But, they would get through this, together. Sara believed that more than anything.

"Always." Sara promised.


End file.
